In researching Christmas Specials yesterday, I came across some interesting stuff. 
Wait for the movie.
Hermione dies.
I listen to sports radio on my drive into work in the morning. I don't like work, driving, or the radio, but until this blog gets big enough to pay my bills I have to go to work, the bus sucks, and silence leads to introspection and that can only end badly for me. On this morning the radio twats are whining about how unbelievable it is that I don't like the San Antonio Spurs. As much as I hate being told what I like, I can't help but be interested, because they are right. I HATE the spurs. All of the NBA's media slaves are throwing their hands up like in disbelief because no one is watching the finals. Apparently, I am the only one who saw this coming when the NBA fucked the Suns out a chance at a title. So irritated am I with the fake incredulousness of these media cattle that I am going to allow myself to get sucked into the discussion and explain, in detail, why it is so easy to hate the Spurs and their players. Here goes:
1) Tim Duncan - I actually like Tim Duncan. Really, what's not to like? He is a near-perfect big man. Good mid range shot, very good post game, great defense, solid rebounding, and he never gets so caught up in himself that he starts shooting threes or dribbling around. He even seems like a cool person when I see him in interviews. The only thing that I don't like about Tim Duncan is the company that he keeps.
2) Robert Horry - Cheap Shot Bob. Fuck this guy. "Journalists" and other NBA shills will tell you that this is a career winner and possibly the most clutch player in history. This drives me nuts. Robert Horry is a career underachiever who has made himself famous by strategically signing with strongest teams and then spending the majority of his time with them on the bench or the injured list. Presently, he is an overweight thug who is only good for hacking better players and hitting an occasional set shot. His whole career he has avoided challenging himself in any way and his total lack of identification with any team makes him a poster boy for just what is wrong with free agency.
This is a great blog that knows just what I am talking about.
3) Manu Ginobli - This guy sucks so damn bad. He seems to just flop around the court with complete abandon, and I don't mean that in a good way. He has no control at all. Its like watching a bag of elbows and knees rolling around, occasionally throwing the ball toward the basket and screaming for fouls. NBA players have been flopping for years, but this guy takes it to a new level. If you have played a lot of ball, you have seen someone like this before; someone that just throws himself around. They are a nightmare to play with, not because they have any skill, but because they clearly don't care if they knock out your teeth or their own. Then, when you go at them, like they come at everyone else, they cry for a foul. What kills me about Ginobli is that he gets them. I really hate that guy.
This guy gets it.
4) Bruce Bowen - Ugh. Bruce Bowen is why the NBA needs a fighting policy more like hockey. I would pay a lot of money to watch Bruce Bowen guard Rick Mahorn for just a few minutes. Bowen isn't the great defender that he gets credit for being, he is a dick. Aside from that, he is a pretty good defender, but what makes him so good at guarding the NBA's best is that he pokes and grabs and steps on them the whole time. What he needs is a tall glass of throat punch, but he doesn't get it because LeBron James knows that he will screw his team if he retalliates at a useless prick like Bowen. That is really his strongest asset; that if he gets into a fight with whomever he is guarding, its a win for him.
I could find a reliable source to reference Bowen's dirtiness in print, but good old youtube has plenty of material for you to see for yourself.
5) Tony Parker - He's French. I could comment on how annoying it is that I have to see Eva Longoria's plastered-on mug every game, but I don't need to. He's French.
You don't get a link here, trust me, he's French.
But of course, the Spurs are more than the sum of their parts. That they play a slow, defensive, half-court, unwatchable style doesn't make me dislike San Antonio. I actually appreciate that sort of game. Don't really want to watch it, but I appreciate it. What really irks me about the Spurs is how they shoplifted the series with the Suns. I am not really a Suns fan, but I was very much into that series. It was classic. Both teams were deep, talented, and powerful. One team was a push the tempo, high-octane, run the opponent out of the gym type of team and the other was a slow it down half-court, push them around and wear them out kind of team. But the Spurs sabotaged it by thugging up on the Suns best player for the duration of the series. While they were unsuccessful at beating Nash out of the contest, they did get a couple of Nash's teammates so angry that they took two steps in the direction of a shocking bit of douchebaggery from Cheap Shot Bob(clutch indeed). The Spurs robbed me of what should have been one of the best series in NBA history. They can go fornicate themselves with a rusty shovel.
The Spurs are awful.
If you haven’t been watching “Dancing with the Stars”, don’t worry; you can still catch the last few episodes. For those who have never seen it, “Dancing with the Stars” is one of the more successful rip-offs of “American Idol”. They get D-list celebrities partnered up with professional ballroom dancers and they compete against each other. Themes are contrived, make up is caked, dances are butchered, contestants are judged, glitter is everywhere, there is bad music, worse music, bad vegas-style shows with lots of crazy costumes; but none of that matters. This show is everything that is wrong with television and with culture in general, a distraction of shiny objects so that they can sell more prescription drugs. This show has one thing going for it; Leila Ali. Looking at Leila Ali in the slinky outfits that they wrap around her is worth sitting through the rest of the glittering trash this show slings around. I honestly can’t think of anything better to do with my time than to sit in front of my TV, waiting for her turn. Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t difficult to tell that she was crazy-hot when I first saw her in the ring, but something about a real modern-day warrior woman dressed up like a high class hooker just does it for me. I could go on and on, but it might make it weird for if I ever meet her. Check it out for yourself and tell me that she is not begging me to stalk her.
I have been ignoring this blog for a while because my work schedule has been drastically impacted by the fact that I am now unemployed. I thought that not going to work was going to give me all kinds of time to blog and write, but that hasn't been the case. My typical excuse involves household chores, looking after the dog, and whatnot, but the truth is I am horribly susceptible to the slightest change in momentum: Having less to do has led to a strong desire to do less. Another great excuse that I occasionally use is that I have not been able to establish a routine since quitting my job and moving to Austin, but that one is just a lie. The fact is, I have carved out a very detailed and rigid schedule for my daytime hours. The TV plays a major part in this daytime schedule, so I figured that I would include it here:
| 9am | Wake up. This is flexible. Anywhere in the 9 o'clock hour is acceptable. Tune the TV to "The Daily Buzz". This show isn't worth scheduling for, but it is pretty entertaining sometimes. Kind of a low-brow version of "Good Morning America". |
| 10am | Time to play "The Price is Right!" I had forgotten how good this show is. Simple and fun. I don't really pay attention to this as I am usually getting my daily dose of news from various internet sources, but something about it seems right. It seems strange to write it down, but I honestly look forward to this being on. |
| 11am | "Maury" marks the beginning of my favorite three hours of the day. If you have never seen an episode of the Maury Povitch show, you are wasting your life. I seem to recall seeing it a few years ago and thinking that it was just a cheap Jerry Springer rip off, but this show is way better. Maury show comes in two different flavors, the first one is lie-detector tests. Some dipshit comes on and talks about how he or she is certain that his or her significant other is cheating, but cannot end the relationship without knowing for absolute certain. One of Maury's two big sponsors, the lie-detector company puts the suspected philanderer through the gimmick and then Maury reveals the results to the cheers and jeers of the live studio audience. I call this type of show "the potatoes", the other type is "the meat". In this version of the show, some hillbilly skank comes on and talks about how she has this great family with one or more beautiful children and a man that she dearly loves. We come to find out that she has a secret to tell this wonderful man of hers, she cheated on him one or more times around the time period when she concieved their beloved would-be offspring. As you can imagine, this comes as a great shock to this poor unsuspecting shmuck. Occasionally one of the more quick-thinking saps will say something like, "Why couldn't you tell me this at home?", or something along that line. The really stupid ones say stuff like, "I don't care what happens, those are my kids and this is my family and we are staying together no matter what!" The morons in the studio audience always applaud these tools, but they piss me off to no end. This poor guy is living a lie for the past however long and he is saying that he is so ingrained in the lie that he is willing to try to turn a blind eye to irrefutable proof. This is a good person. A guy that takes care of his wife and children and thinks that he has a happy family. After shocking this poor guy with the news that his kid may not be his, Maury generously offers to give him a paternity test to find out for sure whether the kid is his. Unfortunately, you have to wait an episode for the test to come back. When it does, they are brought back out and we get a recap along with some blah about how much thinking the unfortunate loser had to do over the last 48 hours or whatever. Then the test results come in. Sometimes the test comes back that the guy is the father, in which case all he has to deal with is the notion that his wife cheated on him. Other times, though, the guy isn't, in which case one or both of them always run backstage with their head in their hands where Maury is forward-thinking enough to have cameras. Sometimes the mother may have cheated with more than one person and doesn't know who the father is, in which case she gets to come back with her lovers to try and narrow down the options. I have seen shows where the womand is on for the fifth and sixth time trying to figure out who her baby-daddy is. When the test comes back and she got it wrong again, the shame is priceless. You have just got to see it. |
| 12pm | You can act like you don't ever watch "Jerry Springer", but I know that you are lying. Tomorrow's episode is "A man cheats with his girlfriend's cousin". They are all more or less like that. The great thing about this show is that no matter how big of a screwup you are, if you are able to read this, you are probably not as messed up as these people. |
| 1pm | Another hour of "Maury". Going back to work is going to be hard. |
| 2pm | "The Bernie Mac Show" is almost too good to be on in the daytime. Bernie is obviously prime time material, but I'll take it. |
| 2:30pm | This is the beginning of an hour and a half of very missable television. This would be a great time to look for a job, or work on any of the several projects that I could get paid to finish, or write, or even blog, but I am trying to finish the main storyline in "Bully" for Playstation 2. Sometimes I actually turn the tv off for this half hour. Doesn't seem right, but neither does anything on the schedule. |
| 3pm | Two back to back episodes of "What I Like About You" featuring Amanda Bynes is no reason to block off an hour of daylight time. I have tried to like this show. Really tried. Normally I enjoy the exploitative sexing-up of underage girls that TV likes to use to try to sell me prescription drugs, but she just doesn't do it for me. There is honestly nothing good about this show. Even the sets suck. I know they suck because I look at them because I can't look at the actors on the screen stumbling through trite bullshit followed by melodramatic dreck. |
| 4pm | My parents have been watching "Reba" since it first came on in 2001, but everytime I have seen it Reba's lack of comedic timing and the clumsy physical hijinks of her oafish rival/neighbor/costar always turned me off. Now, it is my girlfriend's new favorite show, so I have re-examined it. This show is great. The acting is poor, but it is extremely well written on every level. Also, though Reba is definitely not an actress, she is fearless and genuine. Back to back episodes finish off my day nicely. At this point, the search for dinner and entertaining my girlfriend take most of my attention. This is also when people start getting off of work and calling me to ask how the job hunt is going or why I haven't updated my blog or when am I going to pay thisorthat bill or whatever. Back to back Reba ends another day of loafing about the house. |
Sitting around all day isn't the best thing that I can imagine doine with your time, but it beats going to work. I just wish that I could make it pay better.
I was trying to put together a list and commentary on recently cancelled shows in preparation for the coming new television season. It was about that time that I realized there are already sites doing a very good job of that. People write entries after entries about which shows are gone and how much they miss them. Not really what this site is about. This is really about how to waste the next bit of time, not the last. The future is what we're about.
As luck would have it, after looking mere hours into the future, I stumbled across some very exciting stuff. My favorite fake psychotic right-wing mouthpiece is getting interviewed by my least favorite genuine psychotic right-wing mouthpiece. Yeah. Stephen Colbert will be on the O'Reilly Factor tonight. I don't typically watch 'The Factor', or Colbert's show that lampoons it and others like it, but I do keep tabs on both, because now and then O'Reilly says something callous and insane enough to be noteworthy or Colbert will do something outlandish enough to demand my attention. I used to be a religeous watcher of the 'Daily Show', but after the '04 election, politics just weren't funny anymore. I am anxious to watch how this episode of 'the Factor' turns out. I highly recommend that you find a way to see it. I will also post a youtube link of it as soon as I find one, assuming none in my vast army of followers beats me to it.
The bad news is that a new episode of 'My Name is Earl' airs at exactly the same time. Fortunately, I have multiple DVRs in the house. Do what you have to do, because both of these shows have to be classified as 'unmissable'. Jaime Pressly is the funniest thing on TV.
A quasi-interesting sidenote: Too many questions related to 'My Name is Earl' inspired my uncle Earl to shave his mustache and change his name to Eric. Everyone in my family hates this show, I think that it hits a little close to home.
Also on tonight is 'The Office' and 'Scrubs'. I have seen both, and I just don't get it. People rave about these shows, but I could not sit through either one.
Also at 8pm tonight, 'Holes' is on the Disney Channel (great movie) and 'Papillon' is on AMC (better movie).
My advice is to find a means to record 'My Name is Earl', watch 'Papillon' on AMC, and tomorrow morning watch the best parts of 'The O'Reilly Factor' on youtube. That way, you get to watch a great movie with limited commercial interruptions, a great show, and get the satisfaction of pirating what should be some juicy television moments from an otherwise unwatchable crap sandwich, put on by a flaming douchebag.
Enjoy.
My first instinct was to accompany this entry with a picture of Colbert or O'Reilly, but then I came to my senses and put 'Jaime Pressly' into google images, and I couldn't be more glad that I did. You should do exactly that right now. I chose one from poptower.com, a relatively new site devoted to pop culture and lot of stuff that I wouldn't go near, that shows her playing 'Joy' from the show, but there were plenty other quality photos listed.
I don't much care of Christmas, but even a humbug like myself can find plenty to be merry about this time of year. TV, for one. Below is a selection of some outstanding entries by various purveyors of quality television entertainment. I scoured the internet and found some of the best and worst of the Christmas specials. Please remember that the sole reason these things exist is to sell you ipods and diamonds and other useless crap.
If I missed anything good, or very bad, please mention it in the comments.
Thanks,
Iamsofaking
Thursday, Dec 21
Billy and Mandy Save Christmas - A tv movie from CartoonNetwork featuring our favorite rotten kid, Mandy. This special and many other animated, festively-themed shows play on Christmas Day, though none of the classics that you are probably looking for.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer - This is one of those classics; Rudolph, that retarded elf, Yukon Cornelius, the whole bit, and it will be on CBS tonight.
Friday, Dec 22
A Christmas Carol: The Musical - Watch Kelsey Grammar sing the part of Ebenezer Scrooge. USA must hate me. I would sooner lobotomize myself with a jigsaw than watch this certain disaster.
The Science of Christmas - Discovery Science looks at some of the historical events that led to the Christmas that we now know and celebrate. This could actually be interesting. It repeats on Saturday.
Saturday, Dec 23
A Christmas Carol - TCM is airing one of the oldest movie adaptations of Dickens' most famous work.
The Year Without a Santa Claus - This is what you really want, I know. Heat Miser vs. Snow Miser. I don't really have to say any more. You can still catch this classic this Sunday on the Family channel, if you are lucky enough to receive it. You can also see a live action remake this Saturday, thank you NBC. They packed it with all of the usual no-talent network slaves. I'm sure it will be a hit. As I looked through the cast(John Goodman, Chris Kattan, Delta Burke), it occurred to me that these are all of the people that are jobless because of reality television. And people say that American Idol doesn't hurt anyone.
Sunday Dec 24
Miracle on 34th Street - will be played on a continuous loop on AMC.
A Christmas Story - Will be repeating all day on TNT.
It's a Wonderful Life - I've never been able to sit through this one all the way, but people tell me its great.
Bad Santa - Comedy Central treats us to this hilarious new classic. They will play it twice more on Monday.
The Nutcracker With Mikhail Baryshnikov - PBS is still trying to make you a better person. The Nutcracker is a great show and you should definitely see it, but TV just doesn't do justice to ballet. Mikhail Baryshnikov is that guy who did a bunch of pirhouetts for Gregory Hines in White Nights.
Adultswim - has Christmas episodes of Squidbillies, Robot Chicken, Venture Bros., and a repeat of the Aqua-Teen episode "The Cybernetic Ghost of Christmas Past from the Future", one of my all-time favorite christmas specials; all of which are playing on Sunday night and available on line at adultswim.com.
Monday, Dec 25
Denis Leary's Merry @#%$ Christmas - The Comedy Channel is re-gifting to us. I didn't catch it last year. Don't think that I will watch it this year, either.
My Little Pony: A Very Minty Christmas - I don't think that I will see this, but I love the title. Thank you Disney.
A Very Soapy Christmas - Ow! ABC clearly has no respect for any of us. This is stars of daytime drama singing Christmas songs. Seriously.
The last episode for this season of Heroes is on tonight, and the Eagles vs. the Panthers is not going to be enough to make me forget it. ESPN has really blown it with Monday Night Football. The games have been considerably less than spectacular and the coverage is just plain bad. Joe Theisman was a hell of a player, but I can't stand to listen to him talk; he sounds like he still believes that he could play better than anyone else. Then, they constantly have these guests in the booth shilling their network's shows at us and giving the viewer the impression that even the commentators are bored with the action on the field. I'll watch tonight, hoping that this average pair of football teams can put together a game that is interesting enough to distract me from the idiotic banter in the booth. If ESPN wants to keep me from changing the channel, they will have to start with better matchups and finish off with little less BS and a little more football insight in the booth. They have the advantage of a whole day to digest the week's happenings in the NFL, they should have plenty of good things to talk about without having to troop in Disney's 'castmember' of the day.
No matter how much time I spend watching MNF, the back of my mind will be watching the clock, waiting for Heroes to come on. Apparently, one of the characters gets the axe today. If you haven't been watching, don't bother, you won't get it. Punch yourself in the nuts and then rent it when the season 1 dvd comes out so that you can get caught up. I know that the previews for the show made it look like a half-assed X-men ripoff, but it is very good. Great cast, great characters, great story. Everything about this show is so well done it makes me wonder how it got on television. Save the cheerleader!
Heroes is a serial drama about superheroes that feels much more like a comic book.
X-men is a comic book about superheroes that feels much more like a serial drama.
Monday Night Football is a sports program the feels much more like an infomercial for various products from Disney corp.
We get a new 'My Name is Earl' at 8:30 tonight. This is by far the best show on network television. After that, I will probably be watching 'Ed, Edd, and Eddie' on the Cartoon Network, though I may click over to the Hallmark channel's 'Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Clause', because I feel the need to see it.
I watched the new South Park last night. Its fallen off considerable from its hayday, but it is still funnier than 90% of what is on television. The gist of this week's episode was that Matt and Trey know a lot more words for poop than I do. This is pretty juvenile, but I like funny poop names, so I laughed anyway. Check it out on Youtube if you missed it.